From my dad:
So there’s a kid working in the bagging line at a supermarket. He works there often; just does his job. One day, his manager brings in a new piece of technology: a machine that can take oranges and grind them into fresh-squeezed orange juice. The kid asks his manager, “Hey, you think I could try that out sometime?” The manager replies, “Nope, sorry kid… baggers can’t be juicers.
From the Culver’s kitchen:
Zach: Praise baby Jesus!
Me: … why baby Jesus?
Zach: Because he was the cutest of all the Jesus-es.
From somewhere in Tumblr (though surely not originally):
An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first goes up to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager, please.” Each next one says, “and I’ll have half of what he’s having.” The bartender says, “You’re all idiots,” and pulls two pints.
From my former history teacher:
And what happened to those towns that the railroads didn’t run through? They were literally ghost towns!
From my dad:
Eli: I am NOT THROWING a TANTRUM!
Dad: Yes you are! You are doing it right now! This is specifically what you are doing at this moment!
From Russ Isham:
It violates mathematics, but we’re engineers, we don’t care.
From Tony Kornheiser:
My favorite president was Warren G. Harding, because the G stood for Gangster!
From Aaron Campbell:
A Cardinals fan, a Cubs fan, and a Red Sox fan are all climbing up the side of the mountain arguing about who loves their team more. The Red Sox fan yells, “This is for Boston!” and jumps off the side of the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan yells, “This is for St Louis!” and pushes the Cubs fan off the mountain.
From my own stupid mouth:
My toes are freezing. I wish I had some sort of… toe-gloves. … actually I think they call those “socks.”
From my dad:
A man has basically two emotions: hungry and horny. If your man doesn’t currently have an erection, make him a sandwich.
From Chris Breault:
Like Bubble Bobble, Excel does have an ending, but almost nobody sees it.
From Isaac Damery:
The force of attraction is greater than or equal to the sum of my parts.
From Kyle Kenny, misinterpreting “Peace of Mind”:
All I want is to have my piece of pie!
From George Carlin:
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
From Fake Bo Pelini:
If you must know, we don’t have any official “wildcat” plays — Rex just tells Martinez to get out of his way sometimes
From Lord of War:
There are over 550 million firearms in worldwide circulation. That’s one firearm for every twelve people on the planet. The only question is…
How do we arm the other 11?
From Sarah Malone:
- Why is there barbecue sauce under my fingernails?
- Food is literally the only reason I’m going to prom this year.
- Submitting websites for review is just a placebo, it’s there to make you feel better. about our school’s content filter
- That cloud may or may not have a phallic shape. one weather site is blocked, misclassified under “pornography”
- There’s this picture on the internet that always makes me laugh… it’s a picture of a dead squirrel in a kiddie pool, and the caption just says, “you okay?”
- I AM moral support! instead of actually helping
- I don’t think I’ve taken this jacket off in the last three days. It’s like the dumbest thing I own.
- You know when you’re so tired that your nose runs? No!
- When I first got my cat, she would stand outside my door and meow meow meow, and then she would fart and just walk away.
- It’s hugging you in binary! someone accidentally inserted a 0 into their paper
- Oh my God, your fingers are, like, they go at an angle! How do you do that? someone’s double-jointed
- I’m sorry for opening my mouth today.
- Watermelon gum is a crime against nature. Why does it exist?
- Roosevelt, were you the one that put the porn on the school computers? Roosevelt never would
- I hate babies.
- I hate babies!
- I like how Internet Explorer is always giving you crap like, “Want to make me your default browser? Please? Do you remember me?”
- I’m insulted by popcorn and chocolate! putting them together is awful, apparently
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, and Applejack. Duh
- That was a laugh? I was just going to pass it off as a dolphin. I laugh weird, sometimes
- You ever feel dirty for touching the floors here? I do. Where’s my sanitizer?
- You can’t have more than six dildos in Texas? What am I gonna do? I’m not moving to Texas.
- Wyoming’s not a real state!
- That was how my parents knew I was going to be an artist, I was always making shit paintings on the wall.
- Could you make that face again? You looked kind of like a pooping baby.
- Can you see the blood coursing through your veins too? I can feel the blood coursing all the way from my feet to my shoulders. I don’t know if I should even go outside. I’d be a queen in medieval England, though! And I’d have the plague!
- I hate scat, but poop is hilarious.
- I just got a lot of hate into my body!
- If this gave you a boner, you’re a victim of society.
- All Team Fortress 2 fanfiction is basically Medic touching Heavy’s butt and Heavy saying “Sandvich!”
- That just gave me gas for a minute!
- I’m so excited that it’s getting warmer. It’s ugly sweater time again!
- I was 14 years old, I had raccoon eyes, my titties were hanging out everywhere, there was hot pink on me all the time…it was gross.
- When I was a kid, holy macaroni there were tits everywhere!
- Man, I hate people, but I love Pokemon!
- Remember when I was quiet? (No!)
- I’m just a fat gay. (You’re not fat.) (But you are gay.)
- For a second I thought there was poop on my shoe, but it’s just mud. That’s cool too.
- I make Santorum look homosexual!
- Everything sounds funny right now. I think I’m getting sick.
- I get on my Neopets like every time we’re in the computer lab.
- I always kind of feel bad for those people…just kidding, I don’t give a shit about anybody but myself!
- I took off my jacket in an attempt to feel normal, but it’s so cold!
- I forgot that Megaupload was down, and I went to pirate some song and the site said “THIS HAS BEEN SEIZED BY THE US GOVERNMENT” and it made me want to cry. And pee a little.
- Oh I just spit all over this. Cool.
- I don’t know what you just said, but it sounded like “I got the bad part of a hair rim job.”
- KAWAII DESU NUUUUH~
- I’d rather have an enema of acid and sandpaper than watch an episode of Family Guy.
- I don’t even remember what I’m talking about anymore.
- I’m pregnant from all the heterosexual sex I’ve been having. I’m a slut. I love the male genitalia.
- I flipped out and verbally tore this girl’s head off and she wrote me an apology letter the next day. Yes.
- I went [here] for elementary school, and I’m glad I saw none of you there. I was a little shit!
- You guys are, like, the few people I don’t hate.
From Chuck Palahniuk’s “Survivor”:
Long-term, we’re all going to die. Then our bodies will rot. No surprise there. Short-term, we’re all going to live happily ever after. Really. So don’t sweat it. You can just relax and let things happen. Disasters, like pain, and misery. And Joy, and Serenity, and Happiness, and Contentment. You don’t have to control everything. You can’t control everything. If you worry about disaster all the time, that’s what you’re going to get. I want you to know I won’t always be here, but I’ll always find you. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, it’s the right thing. You just have to trust me.
From Brianna Boehne:
A reflection on voting: It’s a room full of old people. And then there’s me.
From Bill Haduch’s “Science Fair Success Secrets”:
- If it happens, it must be possible.
- If the temperature today is zero, and the weatherman says it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, what’s the temperature going to be tomorrow?
- If you don’t know what you’re doing, at least do it neatly.
- What if laughing gas really did?
- Would the world have been different if Einstein had owned a hairbrush?
- If you smell an odorless gas, leave the room immediately.
From John Kingdon’s “America The Unusual”:
Whether the majority is right or informed doesn’t matter; it’s the majority.
From Skocpol and Williams’ “The Tea Party and the Remaking of American Conservatism”:
We” want our… government to speak for “us,” not cater inappropriately to “them.
Annoying liberals is a pleasure worth paying for.
I believe blacks can achieve in every avenue of American life without the meddling of university administrators.
The people you want to talk to are the high school seniors … who have seen people visibly less qualified … get into prestigious institutions where they are rejected. If you think that is not creating resentment, you are wrong.
The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.
Rudolph the red nosed reindeer,
had a very shiny nose,
it proved to be a tactical disadvantage because it enabled me to punch him in the dark.
And here we have an angry little tree. See how his self worth crumbles under the weight of a dystopian future.
you and I
are not about poems or
other sentimental bullshit
but I have to tell you
even the way
you drink your coffee
knocks me the fuck out.
Bill Nye opens his mailbox
“BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL BILL” he shouts as he flips through his many house payments due at the end of the month